Grandpa was old"he was very, very old, it seems all my life he was old. I know now, looking back, how many years he lived, 83-years [died: 1974], but he looked old at forty, perhaps fifty. I'm fifty-eight, I often wonder if I look old, as old as he looked to me; whatever the case, he was very old to me. Something gray and cold and at times hurtful, that been around forever, he was part of that. He personified that to me, to others, but particular to me. I'm sure Grandpa never thought when he was gone, someone would write stories about him, many of them, and in the stories they tell of this younger man, me, with a sense of humor I hope, and everyone knows, Grandpa does not have to have grace, or lightness of touch, a dream of beauty breaking through the sun beams coming to earth. Grandpa can be Grandpa. O, those who knew him shall have many good memories, some that other people will never have, because of him. Long ago, when he was the owner of a restaurant, down town in St. Paul, Minnesota, when I was a kid, I used to go eat there [1956-19']: a hamburger, pie and coke; I always had the same. He'd give it to me free, and sometimes he'd make me pay, sometimes not, but he'd always walk away saying: "...godam kids all da like is da-hamburger, coke, hamburger, coke..." if indeed that was all he was saying, I never got past that, couldn't make out the rest. His friend, who helped him with the restaurant, told me he got robbed a few times, but then later on in years to come, when he was going to sell the cafe, Grandpa said about his friend: "godam son-bitch, crroook...he steal everyding from me, fu..k ass..." oh well I'd say, just give him a ride home. This is a real picture of Grandpa. He was always old in spirit, and at the end of his life, I don't think he knew what to do with it. He was trampling through his lilac bushes during the last days of his life, pacing a path in the house from his porch to the kitchen; the ceiling was his sky full of stars now. He got old, so very old quick, and up and died, but it seems I never saw him get old, he just was always old, and then died. I suppose I didn't see him get old because he was always old to me. I think Grandpa did all he wanted to do in life, his road was long and we: my brother, my mother and myself, are all better off today because he let us live with him so long ago, had he not, who knows what would have taken place. |
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